Fair Weather Friends

Please tell me this-- when was it ever okay to pry into other people's personal business? I understand that we, as humans, like to gossip, like to feel as if we have some type of valued information that somehow gives us points on an imaginary "cool scale." But doesn't it seem that gossiping disregards the person that you're referencing? Perhaps I am the only one that thinks this way, but I feel that if you talk about someone as if they'll never find out, you are almost saying that you don't care about that person- their privacy, their trust, etc. I have never been someone who enjoys bashing my friends or enjoys spreading rumors about them-- that's why they are my friends and not just some acquaintance. I am slightly closed off to most people; but if I view someone as a part of my friend circle, it is because I think the world of them. I chose them as one of the people I would hang out with when I needed someone to talk to or wanted a teammate on whatever venture I was about to embark on, and vice versa. Why would I want to hurt them? I have abnormally thick skin for a girl; it takes a great deal to really upset me. But at a certain point, after multiple different people do the same thing, one wonders if anyone else really is in a friendship for the actual friendship or if they are merely in it because it is comfortable and easy at the moment. When do you know if something is worth fighting for and when it is not?

So This is How It Feels

You know those times when you do something that is out of the ordinary for you? When you break character? It usually occurs after some curve ball, some sudden change in your life. It happens after it starts raining when you were wearing white or after you got involved in that unplanned fender bender. It could happen after something so small as the restaurant running out of chips when you were so looking forward to gorging yourself on salsa. How will you react?

Usually I am a very soft spoken person in times of conflict. I never defend myself; I never think my justification is worth the fight I would have to put up to "win." And I will not put up a fight and lose. I am far too competitive to bow out. But unfortunately, I am the worst fighter I know. I am far too empathetic. I won't stand up for myself; I'm far more likely to say that I understand the other person's perspective than to say that they should understand mine. This is me on a typical day in my life.

However, today something was different. I got in a bind, in a disagreement so to speak, where I had to fight for what I wanted. Normally, I would step down or weigh out the options- "is fighting for this worth the reward? Do I want it that bad?" However, something about today was different. Something within me snapped. I did want it that bad and I would fight for it. I was firm and unafraid. I am not sure if this is an improvement for me or not; however, it was extremely nice to be able to be strong and stand up for me for once. It was as if it was a breakthrough moment where I was watching myself come of age or something. I felt proud and out of place all at once- but not scared. It was a good feeling.

"She Was a Tomboy"

Sometimes I feel like I should act more like a lady. The thing is I am very comfortable acting the way that I do. For me to act as if I cared about the newest makeup or your dress being "So cute! Where did you get it?!"... If I tried to mimic all of those little cares, I feel as if I would be merely playing a joke on people. Don't get me wrong; I can pretend that I am a regal creature, tip toeing about in the smallest steps that I can, with the smallest feet imaginable (constantly pointed, of course, for good measure). I could have the perfect hair and keep my nails perfectly manicured. I could brush my hair "thrice" a day and only speak when spoken to. But I am afraid none of that is me. I am the type of girl that is infamously clumsy, would much rather leave my house with wet hair than feel as if I tried too hard and would do anything that I am dared to do. For example, last night I stayed awake with a friend until five o'clock in the morning walking up and down railroad tracks, intently watching for the perfect train to smash the pennies we held onto with such excitement. This is normal for me. At some point along the way, I feel as if I traded high heels for tree climbing and my mother's lipstick for my dad's music. And the best thing about these seemingly unfortunate mix-ups is that I wouldn't trade them for anything, because those are all of the things that I really enjoy- I cannot realistically wish I were any different. So for every time I have heard the word "tomboy" thrown at me, I have learned to take that with a sense of pride. Despite the negative connotation that comes with a label such as this, at least it shows that one was recognized for not being exactly like everyone else. As a kid, I never wanted to "fit in." I wanted to do something different- be my own person. I believe that everyone has that desire and that right, if they weren't afraid of being the only one that would use it. Cookie cutter humans are beautiful, but the ones with a few rough edges are the most appealing to me.

Down, Nostalgia!

I am down today. Very down.

All the songs I hear are reminders of when I didn't know to be sad. I tripped over a rolling chair. My coworker cussed out my boss. I'm out of cigarettes. I have to take a shower when I get home, when I really need to get to Starbucks to study so that I can be done by tonight.

I just want to be held. I want to draw words and pictures on my sisters back while we're supposed to be sleeping (she'll never guess this one). I want my dad to put me in pj's again cuz I fell asleep in the car. I want to take back the time that I got mad at him when he did this - when we both realized I was getting older. I want to ride home listening to the Beatles with my dad after church and take my tights off in the car, hanging my legs out of the window (because only daddy let me do that.) I want to plan to run away, but never wake up when I was supposed to. I want to chase lightning bugs. I don't want to grow old.

Hormone's are a horrible thing.