So This is How It Feels

You know those times when you do something that is out of the ordinary for you? When you break character? It usually occurs after some curve ball, some sudden change in your life. It happens after it starts raining when you were wearing white or after you got involved in that unplanned fender bender. It could happen after something so small as the restaurant running out of chips when you were so looking forward to gorging yourself on salsa. How will you react?

Usually I am a very soft spoken person in times of conflict. I never defend myself; I never think my justification is worth the fight I would have to put up to "win." And I will not put up a fight and lose. I am far too competitive to bow out. But unfortunately, I am the worst fighter I know. I am far too empathetic. I won't stand up for myself; I'm far more likely to say that I understand the other person's perspective than to say that they should understand mine. This is me on a typical day in my life.

However, today something was different. I got in a bind, in a disagreement so to speak, where I had to fight for what I wanted. Normally, I would step down or weigh out the options- "is fighting for this worth the reward? Do I want it that bad?" However, something about today was different. Something within me snapped. I did want it that bad and I would fight for it. I was firm and unafraid. I am not sure if this is an improvement for me or not; however, it was extremely nice to be able to be strong and stand up for me for once. It was as if it was a breakthrough moment where I was watching myself come of age or something. I felt proud and out of place all at once- but not scared. It was a good feeling.