It's odd how old someone can be and still wonder about who they are exactly. I was trying to figure out "what kind of a person" I am today, as I skipped lunch and sat outside by myself smoking a cigarette. It sounds hilarious; sounds as if I was feeling sorry for myself, sulking in the corner, trying to be noticed. I wasn't. It's thoughts like "what kind of a person am I" that seem so deep at the time and easily deduced; but you end up, sooner or later, realizing that these thoughts don't really matter and have no obvious answer anyway. After this is realized, you find the past thoughts first hilarious (that you took them so seriously at the time) and then rather disheartening and sobering, for an unexplained reason. It's quite odd really.
Anyway, how it all started was I was thinking about how much I loved being outside, just sitting there by myself. I thought about how most people would hate to be by themselves like that--most would find it almost depressing. I understand this thought process, but I don't agree with it. I love those times outside by myself. However, I do not like being by myself at my house. In fact, I will do almost anything to keep from staying at my house by myself (including driving somewhere or going out to eat or to a movie by myself). When it boils down to it, I think I like being around people, but not feeling as though I have to talk to them. Sometimes, I don't want to talk. Sometimes I just want to be a part of a moment and take a snapshot for later-- have something to hold onto. I don't want to forget anything, but just soak it all in. And other times, I want to be in a car full of friends having ugly face competitions and smashing Oreo's in my teeth while driving around town smiling creepily at people. I wonder if that makes me odd.
I am one of those people too. I like being alone. I dont mind being around people but I also dont like talking. I like the company but I dont know how to be the life of the party. Hahah I like this post!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I want to feel needed, sometimes I want to be alone, and sometimes I wish I knew what I want. No, it does not make you odd. You are just a human in society that is told how to act and if you are different you are abnormal.
ReplyDeleteI've lived alone for quite a while and I love it! I also live about 45 miles away from most of my family, and they complain it's too far to drive (though they willingly drive four hours to visit my sisters in Houston--go figure)!
ReplyDeleteI prefer the solitude. I have enough interaction with people when I teach on campus. I like not having to deal with other people during my "down" time.
K. Smith
Eng. 226